“Authenticity” has become a frequently cited goal in discussions between therapists and other healers. I am often confused by what other practitioners mean when they talk about wanting to “be authentic.” This is just not obvious to me. So, I want to take a crack at explaining what it means to me for “me” to “be authentic.”
A couple of years ago, I was working at a clinic in Lakeville. One of the office staff told me she’d been looking at the clinic’s “return rates” for the therapists there. I asked, “what’s a return rate?” She explained that it’s the percentage of clients that come back to a therapist for at least one additional session after their first session. She then told me that I was one of the therapists that had a high return rate and she wanted to know if I could tell her why. I thought about it, and said, “maybe it’s because I am ‘wysiwyg’ (what you see is what you get). I try to be real. Maybe clients can tell that I being real with them and they like that and trust it.” She smiled, said she appreciated my thoughts and the conversation ended.
Maybe, then, “Authenticity” is the same as “being real.” But what does that really mean. What is “being real?” How can we know when we are “being real?” Speaking for myself, I can say I know I am being real when I can feel a sense of myself as different than the role I am filling in a relationship. When I am in therapy with one of my clients, I am constantly asking myself, where is the “me” in the role I am playing as a therapist with this particular client. Am I aware of “me” as I am also aware of my client? Am I aware of “me” as distinguished from my awareness of how I might appear to my client?
The “me” that is not the same as the “therapist” I am being with my client is not always easy to separate, but it can be done. How? By looking for the “me” that feels the same when I am playing the role of therapist with a client, or playing the role of father to my son, or the son to my mother, or the friend of a friend. “I” am in all of those roles in all of those relationships and “I” is different than the roles because the “I” doesn’t change, but the role does, depending on the context and the nature of the relationship.
The most prominent role to be played for finding your “I,” your “me,” your “self,” or your “essence.” is the one you play when you are completely alone. When there is no other person to whom you must project an image. However, being alone by itself does nothing. Even when we are alone, we sometimes become so immersed in what we are doing with our bodies or minds that we feel little or nothing of ourselves. I lose myself while gardening (which is one of its greatest benefits–it is so engrossing). I also lose myself when composing music or editing photos. That’s okay. Creativity often requires the experience of immersion in a thing or an activity. Sometimes, though, we aren’t as much interested in “immersing” ourselves in creativity. Instead, we are simply avoiding ourselves or avoiding the fact that we are at that moment alone and don’t know what to do with ourselves. If we can learn to “be with ourselves” when we are alone, we can begin to be “with ourselves” when we are also with others. And this is the crucial piece to finding authenticity.
Finding “me” in these roles is only part of being authentic. I can be internally aware of all of this, but I am only authentic when I allow “me” to change the role according to how “I” help define it. Michael Kinzer as therapist is and should be very different than anyone else being a therapist. Michael Kinzer as father should be very different than the father next door, because Michael Kinzer is a very different person within his role as a father.
Summing it up, then, authenticity can be described as being “with yourself” when you are either alone or with others in a way that makes you aware of your “self” and sharing that awareness so others can also experience the “you” that is not defined by your role. I suggest to clients that they ask themselves “where am I in it” (the IT is the context and the role) and then let others see this.
Of course, none of this answers the next question, which is: “why does authenticity matter–what’s so great about it?” That might be what I write about in my next blog.
Tags: feelings, independence, self-awareness, well-being
