I recently came up with the phrase “choose your guilt” to describe to a client how to deal with a situation in which someone might feel two kinds of guilt. The first kind of guilt is a healthy way of deciding right from wrong, The second kind is not really guilt at all, but is instead a misinterpreted sense of responsibility for someone else’s feelings which can be experienced as guilt.
Guilt is painful, and can really feel deep and awful. So, we often run from guilt, not wanting to feel it. But not all guilt is bad. Guilt can be a tool. Just like a burn tells us not to touch a hot oven to protect ourselves from hurting ourselves, guilt is an emotional pain that teaches us important lessons about doing the right thing, and not doing things we know are wrong. Guilt is an emotional punishment, which is sometimes a good indicator of our own values.
When we run from guilt to avoid this awful feeling, we can get ourselves confused about when guilt teaches us right from wrong and when the guilt is actually not our guilt, coming from inside us, but guilt handed to us from the outside, from another person or perhaps from lessons we were taught as children that we no longer believe.
Have you ever felt guilty because you thought you “should” feel guilty? Have you ever felt guilt, not because you actually thought you did something wrong, something that seemed to be inconsistent with your own sense of right and wrong, but because you thought someone else believed you had done something wrong? Imagine wanting to leave an unhealthy relationship. You know the right thing to do for you or maybe your children as well is to leave. But you stay. You stay out of a sense of guilt for causing what you know, or believe, your leaving will do to the other person. You stay because you fear the guilt you will feel when you see how much pain you’ve caused by your leaving. Is this guilt? Or is it something else? It is the feeling of failing to take care of your responsibilities to someone else. Yes. True. But does that make it guilt? No. It doesn’t. You are only guilty, truly guilty, if you do something wrong. But leaving a relationship in which you are being hurt, verbally or physically abused, frightened, controlled, or in which others are being subjected to relentless fighting, this is not wrong. And if it is not wrong, then you should not feel guilty. And you are not responsible for causing pain to someone else if you are leaving the relationship because of that person’s very own actions.
Leaving a person you committed to stay with, in marriage, or in a long-term relationship, can be wrong if you are leaving for the wrong reason or leaving in the wrong way (leaving out of boredom, not facing your own issues, or leaving by having an affair). But leaving is not always wrong. And it isn’t wrong just because it might cause the other person pain. The same holds true for responding to others by taking care of yourself, in any situation. If you need to do something, take action, ask for something, make some kinds o changes that get you what you need, this is not wrong. And it doesn’t become wrong if in doing so, you also cause someone else to feel pain. Their pain alone doesn’t make your decision to take care of yourself wrong. Their pain alone should not cause you to feel guilty if what you are doing is not wrong, but is good.
So, how do you “choose your guilt?” How do you choose when the guilt you feel is a healthy tool and when it is an unhealthy sense of responsibility. Pretty simple, actually. Just ask yourself this, am I feeling guilty because what I have done or am thinking of doing feels like it violates my own sense of right from wrong (e.g. breaking a promise without reason, lying, deceiving)? Or does it feel guilty solely because it might make someone else feel something they do not want to feel or I do not want them to feel? Remember, if the only reason you feel guilty is because of the way it might make someone else feel, that is not sufficient reason to feel guilty. You are responsible for your actions, to be sure. So if something feels wrong because you believe it is wrong for you to do it, then go ahead and feel guilty and think long and hard before you do it. But if it doesn’t feel wrong to you, but you still feel guilty because of the way it might make someone else feel, then it might not be wrong at all. So, choose. Which is it? Choose your guilt based on what YOU think is right or wrong, not based on what someone else thinks is right or wrong for you.
Blog entries and other materials available on Jupiter Center’s website are intended to stimulate thoughts and conversations and to supplement therapy work with Jupiter Center clients already in therapy. If you or someone you know suffers from a mental illness, you are strongly encouraged to seek help from a mental health professional. For further information about this blog, or Jupiter Center, contact Michael Kinzer at 612-701-0064 or michael(at)jupitercenter.com.
