Co-dependency has a language all its own. For a couple of decades we’ve associated the term co-dependent with someone who becomes so involved with another person’s problem they cannot seem to be okay unless the other person is okay. This is particularly troublesome in most cases because the other person, who might be an alcoholic, a gambling addict, or who has some other serious issue, is definitely not okay, which by the terms above, means that the co-dependent person is not okay, constantly worried, feeling guilty, preoccupied by the welfare of the other person, paying little attention to their own well-being.
This is pretty similar to how I think about co-dependency, but only at first. The striking thing about this description is that it makes us feel sorry for the co-dependent, and blame the person about whom their co-dependence is related for not getting better, so the co-dependent has to stay co-dependent—if only that drunk would get sober, his wife could stop fretting over him. Again, there’s truth in this sentiment. But it doesn’t quite hit the mark. That’s not the only problem with this description, or the worst part. The biggest problem is that, if this were a complete description of the problem of co-dependency it would mean the co-dependent person is pretty much stuck with a bad situation unless the other person gets better. Of course, this is not true at all. A person stuck in co-dependency is free to leave any time they want to leave. So then, why don’t they leave, or at least stop their co-dependent behavior? If we can figure this out, then the co-dependent person might find it easier to leave or stop being co-dependent and negotiate a new kind of relationship. This is what we do in therapy. And this is the topic of this blog.
The co-dependent person gets something out of being co-dependent: they get control. Specifically, they get to have some control over the “sick” person who is the target of their co-dependence. I am not suggesting the co-dependent person decides to become involved with someone with whom they can be co-dependent or that they make some kind of verbal, conscious deal with the other person. That would be ridiculous. But, just the same, they do seem to be involved in a kind of nonverbal, unspoken, but still very powerful bargain that keeps both people in the relationship, even when it is destructive to both.
Let’s take the alcoholic couple as an example, since it is a version of co-dependency we are pretty familiar with, either personally or in the media. Although this is stereotyping, we’ll use the example of an alcoholic husband and co-dependent (and not alcoholic wife). We know, though, that this has many different varieties and versions, but its just an example for this blog, so please excuse the overgeneralizations. Often, co-dependency is a very gradual, incremental, evolving thing. At first, they might be drinking together, having fun, going to parties, or drinking on the holidays, and weekends. But he drinks more often, and drinks more than she does when they both drink. Over the years, he moves from beer to vodka or whiskey, from cocktails to stronger drinks. As his ability to meet his needs diminishes, she begins to meet his needs for him. He in turn becomes more dependent on her to meet those needs, especially if this is what is necessary for him to continue his (now addictive) relationship with alcohol. Without meaning to, she becomes more and more involved in “enabling” his continuing downward spiral with alcohol. By the same turn, in meeting more of his needs, she pays less and less attention to her own needs, and if there are children, less attention to their needs as well, just to keep the whole thing going. Anything that disturbs his relationship with alcohol now becomes an issue that results in conflict—often ugly conflict. In fact, sometimes the conflict can involve abuse, maybe just verbal abuse, or in some cases physical abuse. The conflict can also involve something that feels even worse than abuse to the co-dependent person: the threat of abandonment, of being alone, of losing control over a relationship they have spent months or years of investment of their very selves, their identity, their lives.
At this point, the co-dependent person acts in a way that supports these two mistaken ideas:
- His needs are more important than they really are;
- My needs are not as important as they really are.
By overemphasizing his needs, and downplaying her own needs, all just to keep him as functional and “happy” as she thinks she can, she stays trapped in trying to control what she cannot control: his sense of well-being. More importantly, though, she gives up what she can control: her own sense of well-being, by meeting her own needs.
So, where does this get us? If this is a pretty common experience, a pretty common outcome of a co-dependent relationship, whether it is the man or the woman who drinks, or whether its alcohol, or drugs, or a long-term illness, how can someone who suffers from the affects of co-dependency free themselves from it? The first step is to consider why they allowed themselves to become so dependent on someone else’s needs to feel okay in the first place. If they can figure this out, they will often be in a much better position to reclaim what they gave up in order to become so focused on the other person. Almost always, in my experience as a therapist, this has something to do with a great need for approval, either because they suffer from a low self-worth, or there is a version of instability that they fear because it retriggers some kind of deep emotional experience they had earlier in their life.
This might explain why adult children of alcoholics sometimes, despite their best intentions, end up in long term relationships with alcoholics. They aren’t merely mimicking their parents’ decisions and behaviors. They might need to have such a great need to avoid abandonment or instability in their relationships, they unconsciously choose to be with someone who becomes “sick” so they can take care of them, which gives them control over maintaining the relationship. Put it this way, if you are with someone who is sick, who really needs you in order to function or be okay, then as long as you meet their needs, they are not likely to leave you, are they?
If a person who finds themselves in a co-dependent relationship can figure out the reason they were willing to make the compromise of giving up on their needs to focus on the other person’s needs, what they were looking for as their part of the exchange, they will then be able to ask themselves if what they want is really worth the compromise they’ve made. If it is fear of abandonment, they can then learn to face that fear, with the help of friends, support groups, therapy, family, and other positive influences that will show them they will not be abandoned, but will still be loved by others, even if their relationship with their current partner ends. If it is the need for approval that was denied them as children, or in a previous relationship, they can seek that approval elsewhere, so it becomes less important to get the approval from their sick or needy partner.
While co-dependency can be a very unhealthy way to be in a relationship, it is also important to realize that not all dependency is unhealthy or co-dependency. In fact, all meaningful relationships include various levels of dependency, as they should. Hopefully, though, each person is dependent on the other, maybe not in the same way or for the same things, but with some level of mutuality. In other words, one person does not expect the other to meet all of their needs, or to ignore their own needs. One person does not expect themselves to meet all the needs of the other. A healthy dependent relationship is one in which each person feels the capacity and the desire to meet their own needs, but sometimes with the help of others along the way. In this way, each person is responsible for their own needs, and therefore accountable for how they decide to meet (or not meet) their needs, without blaming others when their needs are not met. Healthy dependency also allows for independence, by encouraging each person to meet their needs in the way that suits them. Co-dependent relationships often have a great deal of conflict if either person attempts to either meet their own needs, or meet their needs with the help of anyone outside the relationship. Independence does not tend to cause conflict in relationships with healthy dependency because neither person feels they have failed the other if the other person meets their own needs or seeks assistance in meeting their needs elsewhere (with obvious limitations like staying within the sexual boundaries of a committed relationship).
Choosing freedom from co-dependency can take months or years, and usually requires a deeper understanding of the source of the co-dependent’s need to control the other person’s ability to leave them, to have the other person be so dependent on them. Once they begin to let go of that need, either because they have a higher self-esteem, greater support and approval elsewhere, or they have thoroughly rejected negative messages about themselves in the past about their capacity to have healthy relationships and stability in their lives, the compromise they make in giving up their own needs to meet the needs of another become far less satisfactory. Eventually, they no longer need to make that compromise at all, and find relationships in which their needs are just as important as the needs of the other people in their lives.
Copyright, 2011, Michael Kinzer. Blog entries and other materials available on Jupiter Center’s website are intended to stimulate thoughts and conversations and to supplement therapy work with Jupiter Center clients already in therapy. If you or someone you know suffers from a mental illness, you are strongly encouraged to seek help from a mental health professional. For further information about this blog, or Jupiter Center, contact Michael Kinzer at 612-701-0064 or michael(at)jupitercenter.com.
Tags: abuse, boundaries, conflict
