“To the weak, I became weak….” 1 Corinthians 9:22
You won’t often see me quoting scripture here, not because it doesn’t have something to offer, but because over the years, I have become unfamiliar with it. This quote, though, remains one of my all time favorite quotes. I am not going to pretend I really know what St. Paul meant by it. That’s not my point. I like this quote because of what it means to me. It involves what appears to be an inconsistency, but really involves one of the most striking paradoxes in human interaction. In order to allow yourself to truly be connected to someone, to empathize with them, to have compassion for them, to love them deeply, you have to make yourself vulnerable with them and to them. You have to allow yourself to be exposed to them.
The quote doesn’t say, “To the weak, I am weak.” It says “To the weak, I became weak.” In other words, we are making a choice to be vulnerable, to meet people where they are ,where they need us to be.
Loving someone involves a paradox because it involves two things that at first seem completely inconsistent, but they are both true. In order to allow ourselves to really feel love for and from someone, we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to being hurt by them. We have to allow ourselves to open to them, which could result in being hurt by them. Yet, this is the only way to be connected to them at a deep level. So, to get that connection with someone we really care about, we have to make ourselves vulnerable to be hurt by the very person who can hurt us the most.
I often see the difficulty in doing this in a couple that really deeply love each other, and yet have become so defensive and closed down because they each fear the possibility of being so hurt by the one they love the most. My job as a therapist in these circumstances is to encourage them to be as open as they can be despite their fear of each other, so they can reconnect, begin to build that trust, and then live the paradox of vulnerability and love.
Love is not important in the absence of fear. Love is important because it allows us to do things despite our fears. There is in this another paradox: when we do things despite feeling “weak” or “vulnerable” or with fear, this does not make us weak. It makes us strong. When we decide to be weak, to be with others who may feel weak by being weak with them, we are coming from a place of strength by making that decision, and then we and they become stronger in the process. I see this process in myself, with my clients, and with those in my life that I love again and again and again. That is why I love this quote. It is a contradiction, and yet so important and true.
