Couples often come into therapy with me to save their relationships. I also have a number of clients whose relationship is not in danger of dissolving. They have decided their relationship could be better and want me to help them find ways to make it better. So, that’s what we do, often with great results. But, this blog is about relationships in real trouble. A relationship in danger of ending is usually in some kind of downward spiral, either due to underlying issues they either cannot identify or resolve, or due to particularly troublesome behavior of one or both people in the relationship—like addiction (alcohol, drugs, gambling) or boundary issues (infidelity). It takes two people to make a relationship work, but it only takes one person to destroy it. Whatever the reason for this downward spiral, there is usually also a pattern of interaction between the couple that is damaging and self-destructive, in which both people are suffering, and the relationship itself is regularly and repeatedly harmed by this pattern of interaction.
In order for therapy to have any chance of helping to save a relationship in trouble, this damaging pattern of interaction must first be identified and stopped. There are a few patterns of interaction so damaging to one or both people or the relationship, I must insist they stop in order to be willing to continue working with the couple at all, which includes physical violence in the family. This seems pretty obvious. Less obvious is when communication— words and actions—are damaging without amounting to violence or the threat of violence. In these cases, I do not make it a condition of continuing therapy that the behavior stop. In fact, identification of this kind of behavior is an essential part of therapy in these cases. Identification of what kinds of behavior constitute verbal abuse can be tricky and must be handled with some measure of care. I don’t like to see verbal abuse happening to anyone, but I also don’t like to throw around the term verbal abuse lightly either. This is the topic of this blog: when someone tells me they are being “verbally abused,” what does this mean? When do words become “verbal abuse?” How can it be identified, so it can be stopped?
I take abuse seriously. I also take seriously when someone is being accused of any kind of abuse, including verbal abuse. Let’s start out by eliminating from the discussion of abuse a commonly-held belief which is not helpful, or might even be considered a myth. Just because someone is hurt by something someone else said doesn’t make the person who said it abusive. Here’s an example. If one partner says to the other partner, “this checkbook is so damned confusing, I can’t tell how much money we have and what bills to pay.” The other person might rightly think they are being accused of having done a bad job keeping up with the checking account balance, might feel degraded, even put down. They might feel very hurt, offended, they might feel abused. That doesn’t mean the statement is verbal abuse. The statement might be true, and the person saying it is simply communicating their frustration about it.
Now, though, suppose a person lifts up their hands, shakes the checkbook, throws it at the wall, screams at the other person, “this checkbook is so damned confusing, I can’t tell how much money we have and what bills to pay.” Same exact words, but this is different. This looks a lot more like abuse. Why? This person is using behavior (the raised hands, the shaking, the throwing, the screaming) that is likely intended to intimidate the other person, make the other person afraid, feel bad, feel small, feel stupid. In both examples, the person who filled out the checkbook might feel bad. The difference is the intent of the person making the statement. By “intent,” I mean, what is the purpose, the reason, what do they expect by making the statement? Why did they say it? In the first example, the reason they said it was that they were frustrated and letting the other person know this. They probably also wanted the other person to realize that their behavior (not doing a good job of keeping track of the checkbook) was causing a problem. Fair enough. They did not intend their statement to make the other person feel bad, or hurt or scare the other person. They just want to resolve the issue of a confusing checkbook. In the second example, they were pretty clearly intending to scare and hurt the other person’s feelings, to make them feel bad about themselves. And that’s not okay. It is destructive to both people, and it is destructive to the relationship and the therapy process.
So, here is my general definition of “abuse:” abuse happens whenever someone does something because they want the other person to feel hurt. Think about what makes something physical abuse. If someone trips on a toy on the floor, falls down, grabs their partner to avoid the fall, they both fall, and they are both bruised by the fall. This is not abuse. If someone grabs their partner in anger, and pulls them to floor in a fit of rage, this is violence. This is physical abuse. Same action, same injury, but very different intent. One is an accident. The other is abuse.
“Verbal abuse” is saying something to someone with the intent that what they say will hurt the other person. If you are mad, and you are mad because someone you know has done something to make you mad, and you say this, and saying this makes the other person feel bad for what they did, this by itself is not abuse. If you are mad, and you say something because you want the other person to feel bad and hurt by what you said, then it is abuse.
It’s not always easy to know when something said is about venting feelings and when it becomes abusive, but there are simple things you can do to make it less likely that what you say is abusive. Examples of verbal abuse include name calling, like saying “you are such a loser, you suck at (fill in the blank), the fact that you do (something they don’t like), makes you a (bad name).” Stick to what the person is doing that bothers you (statements about actions are okay). Stay away from saying what the person is or who they are (statements about the other person’s character are often a form of verbal abuse). It’s not abusive to say, “I don’t like it when you mess up the checkbook balance so I can’t understand how much money we have.” It is abusive to say, “you are so stupid, why can’t you keep the checkbook balance straight, what is wrong with you!” These are obvious examples, but the point is clear: look at the intent of the person making the statement to see how verbal abuse comes into your relationship. Don’t engage in name-calling, or disparage the other person. Stick to what they do that bothers you, and not “who” they are because of what they do.
Verbal abuse by either person is never justified or necessary, no matter what the circumstances or what the other person said first. It is never necessary or okay to use verbally abusive language and behavior to vent anger or any other feeling. This means it is no excuse to say, later, “hey, sorry I said that about you, I didn’t really mean it, I was just angry and venting my anger.” Besides, once you’ve said something that is verbally abusive, apologizing later doesn’t undue the very real damage done. I believe in speaking your peace, saying what you need to say. I am not afraid of nor do I want others to be afraid to vent real feelings, including all appropriate levels of anger, from minor irritation, to outrage. No matter how angry a person is, though, or how much right they might have to be angry, this never makes it acceptable to say anything in which the primary intent of saying it is to cause the other person to hurt.
I am judgmental about very few things. Violence is one of them, including sexual violence. I am circumspect, though, when it comes to “verbal abuse,” Whether something is actually “verbal abuse” can be a lot harder to know than, say physical abuse. Also, knowing that I myself have said things that are verbal abuse makes me a hypocrite if I pass self-righteous judgment on others for doing it. I have said things wanting the person hearing what I have said to feel bad. That doesn’t make it okay, just because I have done it. I am just trying to acknowledge that I am far from perfect. The best I can do is to try to learn from it, avoid it, recognize it, and not repeat it. This is what I suggest to my clients too. I don’t judge them for it, or threaten to discontinue therapy when they have used language and actions that are verbal abuse. I just suggest that to continue saying things meant to be hurtful is not okay, is damaging, and can destroy what could otherwise be a good relationship. Stopping a destructive pattern of interaction that includes verbal abuse is also the only way I can help a couple get to the underlying issues damaging the relationship. We have to “stop the bleeding” before we can get to the source of the injury.
Copyright, 2011, Michael Kinzer. Blog entries and other materials available on Jupiter Center’s website are intended to stimulate thoughts and conversations and to supplement therapy work with Jupiter Center clients already in therapy. If you or someone you know suffers from a mental illness, you are strongly encouraged to seek help from a mental health professional. For further information about this blog, or Jupiter Center, contact Michael Kinzer at 612-701-0064 or michael(at)jupitercenter.com.
Tags: boundaries, conflict, feelings, solutions
