A mainstay of my work as both a therapist and previously as an instructor of a “Healthy Relationships” class has been to create a brief but detailed list of the essential ingredients of a genuine apology. Why is this important? Well, how many times have you thought someone owed you an apology, and then they did apologize, but you somehow felt dissatisfied, even “robbed” of your right to expect the apology without really getting what you want? Too many, I suspect. Also, if an apology is not genuine, then the behavior that created the need for the apology is more likely to be repeated. A real apology is often the only way to truly resolve conflict for both people over some kind of behavior that is wrong and has caused some kind of harm.
Think about this: when someone says “I am sorry…” what do they really mean? Really? Isn’t the word “sorry” really a short hand way of saying “sorrow?” Well, that’s the way I think of it—like when a friend suffers some kind of major loss, like a death in the family. Then we say “I am so sorry for your loss.” See what I mean. But, when someone says “I am sorry [for something I did]” its kind of weird, and vague, and even can be kind of lame depending on what comes next. Think of the times we say we are sorry, which might actually be true, but we are mostly sorry because now we are having to deal with the consequences of what we have done (like having to discuss it, which we wish we didn’t have to do). Anyway, “I am sorry…” can mean “I am sorry your feelings are hurt” or “I am sorry you took it that way” or “I am sorry we are fighting now” or even “I am sorry you have decided to make such a huge deal out of this.” See what I mean. “Sorry” is really a poor word to use as part of an apology. So, what’s better? That’s the point of this blog.
Let’s go back to the “Healthy Relationship” class I used to teach so I can share with you a consolidation of the many different answers I used to get when I asked class participants to list for me their idea of the crucial ingredients in what makes something they could believe was real, and worthy of their acceptance. By the way, I used to teach this class in the state prisons, but the answers are mostly the same when I ask my private practice clients the same question now. Every time I ask the question of what makes an apology worthy of being accepted, the answers are slightly different, but the essentials are remarkably similar. Here is the summary of the essential ingredients of a genuine apology (further discussion of these items follows this list):
- A statement of regret;
- An explanation of how and why the “offending” behavior or act was wrong;
- An acknowledgment of the affect of the behavior on the person receiving the apology;
- A commitment to do things differently in the future;
- Allow the person receiving the apology a chance to express their reaction;
- Demonstrate real change over time.
A statement of regret. Using the word “sorry” can convey regret, but can also be vague. Why not just use the word “regret” or “wrong” as in “I regret doing…” or “I was wrong when I….” Even something as simple as “I feel bad because I (insert behavior) is more clear than “I am sorry.” Without something saying they feel bad about what they did, we can’t tell if it matters to them personally. It is also important that the statement of regret be given without the expectation that the apology will be accepted. A genuine apology is given because we regret what we did. We may hope our apologies are accepted, but that is not the primary motivation of a genuine apology. In fact, it is this difference in motivation for the apology that distinguishes when an apology is genuine and when it is not.
An explanation of why the offending behavior was wrong. This can be a re-examination of why they did what they did, how they might have thought is was okay at the time, but now see it was not okay. It is important, though, that this not be an opportunity to excuse the behavior or simply state its affect on another person like “I am sorry you are hurt” because that can end up sounding like it is the other person’s feelings that are the real problem. It has to have some element of why the person apologizing is wrong, to ensure they are taking responsibility for their actions.
An acknowledgment of the affect of the behavior on the other person. By this, I just mean something like “hey, I can see now that making plans without checking with you first left you out of the loop, and made you feel unimportant to me. I would have felt the same way.” No big deal to say it, but this can be really important for the other person to hear. Without this, we can’t know if the apology really means anything to the person apologizing (are they apologizing because they feel bad or just to get out of having to talk about the behavior). Likewise, a person who realizes the nature of the harm they have caused to us might make them less likely to do the same thing again.
A commitment to do things differently in the future. This seems obvious, but it still worth saying—if the person apologizing is just going to repeat the behavior, do we really even want to hear that they are sorry? Also, when appropriate (as in the apology is not just for something minor like being a few minutes late), this commitment should actually specify how they are going to do things differently in the future. This might actually be the most important part of an apology. It is at least a close second to wanting to know the person regrets what they’ve done. This part can also help validate the feelings and perceptions of the person hearing the apology because it requires the person making the apology recognize the other person’s needs, not just now, but if the circumstances come up again in the future. Finally, how can there be any regaining of trust if a person making an apology does not show their desire and willingness to do things differently. Without this part, the person to whom the apology is made is left wondering if they are going to be hurt again.
Allow the person hearing the apology to state their feelings and other reactions. To the person making the apology, this can be very difficult because they are already feeling vulnerable, and this may end up feeling the kicking the dog when it is already down (e.g. beating a dead horse). This is another way the person hearing the apology get’s a chance to validate their feelings, reactions, mistrust, etc. Unless the person making the apology allows the other person to grieve their differences, the apology can seem like it is more an attempt to overcome conflict than to really understand and accept responsibility. When I practiced litigation as an attorney, I often noted that parties that had been fighting tooth and nail, would soften up to settlement during a mediation after they’d had a chance, maybe for the first time, to lay out their complaints to the other side face to face. Multimillion dollar cases that had lasted months or even years would sometimes settle within a day.
Demonstrate real change over time. This might go without saying, but whenever a person makes an apology, they need to be prepared to demonstrate the genuineness of their regret and their desire to do things differently by actually changing their behavior over time. The more serious the behavior leading to the apology, the more time the person making the apology will need to give to the other person to regain their trust and accept the apology as legitimate and heartfelt. My father once literally (meaning he actually did this) got on his hands and knees crying and grabbing my hands begging for my forgiveness for what he had done to me as a child (beat me, and otherwise treated me very badly). I was overjoyed, wanting so badly to believe he regretted what he had done. I think he probably did really feel bad in the moment. Within a few months he had bloodied the face and neck of a younger sibling in a rage over milk (yes, milk), so I knew he would never change. Time is a telling thing. Don’t underestimate its value.
Thankfully, not every apology needs to be this formal, detailed or long. If that were the case, we might end up spending half our lives apologizing to others or listening to them apologize to us. If we are a few minutes late for a coffee date, a simple “hey, sorry I am late” might suffice. If someone is perpetually late though, this apology will likely and should fall flat as meaningless because the latecomer doesn’t realize or seem to care that their behavior over time proves their apology isn’t genuine. No matter what kind of behavior gave rise to the need for an apology, if an apology is accepted too quickly, just to move on from the conflict, residual resentment can fester, making conflict about that topic, but also other topics, more likely in the future. This is why we need to make sure the apologies we both give and receive are genuine. In therapy sessions in which there has been a more egregious or harmful act, an apology which does not contain all six of the “ingredients” listed above often leads to failure to resolve the issue, which can lead to even more mistrust and defensiveness.
Once all of these ingredients are on the table, discussed, understood, and acknowledged, sometimes even very harmful behavior can be reconciled and forgiven. Following something like this simple process of apologizing doesn’t need to be complicated. We role model this process in sessions all the time, and when it comes naturally, which it can eventually, its not a big deal at all, and it really saves a lot of wasted energy on conflicts that can be fairly simply resolved. In my next blog on this issue, I will spend some time talking more about the person harmed—their options for reacting to harmful behavior, with or without these six ingredients of a genuine apology. Those options include holding onto the feelings left over from whatever was done to forgiveness or even just letting go with or without forgiveness.
Blog entries and other materials available on Jupiter Center’s website are intended to stimulate thoughts and conversations and to supplement therapy work with Jupiter Center clients already in therapy. If you or someone you know suffers from a mental illness, you are strongly encouraged to seek help from a mental health professional. For further information about this blog, or Jupiter Center, contact Michael Kinzer at 612-701-0064 or michael(at)jupitercenter.com.
